Sprinting at full speed the kids only one story up were glancing down at me in confusion. I truly had no idea why I was running, but it was the only solution that came to mind. Where was I running to? I really had no plan. I just needed out, and way to communicate to others that something just wasn’t right with me, when I couldn’t remotely find the words.
The dusk skies continued to darken as I made lap upon lap around the large apartment compound. The jungle, just on a stone’s throw away from our buildings on either side, and it almost seemed to come alive at the time my own internal battle began to erupt. The monkeys and birds came alive as it did every night as the sun began to set. Living in the South China Sea, almost directly on the equator surrounded you with wildlife and nature beauty that is rarely experienced anywhere else in the world, but, it that too would be something that take decades to fully comprehend. On that warm and humid late afternoon as dusk approached, I was introduced to a dark part of humanity, who’s introduction I wish only came through gentler introduction. It was something I surely had never really felt before. It was a high. It was almost euphoric. Not only was I not use to the visceral response plaguing my body and mind, there was a sick part of me that seem to thrive in it’s darkness.
The kids at the party now realizing that I was nowhere to be seen started echoing my name through the large apartment who’s living room stretched the entire width of the building. The sound bellowed through the wide balcony doors and out into the tranquil air. I was too captivated in my own mind, barefoot, making round after around in the compound that housed four towering 12 story massive apartment buildings. A design that I have yet to ever encounter again in all of my worldly travels. Each floor only held two expansive units that would compare in size to a typical three bedroom stand alone home. I had never been a good runner, but today I would somehow keep in stride with Olympians.
Finally I was found, as a couple classmates made there way out onto a large balcony, and began to look aghast to what I was doing running, with no apparent threat or visible danger nearby. The news spread quickly and more and more of my peers started to crowd the large balcony, looking down only a short distance from where they stood looking upon their broken hearted classmate crying for help communicated through his bare feet bashing against the dirt covered brick road below. The from the balcony clamoured more loudly as people began calling for my attention, in such a state of confusion to what could have possibly caused such a timid boy like myself to create such a scene.
Little did they know how big of a demon I was actually fighting. I was blindsided by something fierce, but this timid boy wouldn’t be moved. My rebuttal to the initial unsuspecting blows were explosive and aggressive. I had never been so poised and ready for battle. Having no training, no experience, no guidance – but a steadfast overflowing courage that I had never mustered up before. I was determined to win.
I didn’t really want to cause attention to myself, so I slowly snuck out the front door to the flat, and took the battle to the streets. Here I would have the needed space to really explode on this formed enemy. My blood pounded through my body, and my limbs became swollen with power. With this might now flowing through me, I was sure my legs would never give-in. This battle wouldn’t be over until I was crowned in victory. I would run down this foe, and make it pay dearly.
Lap after lap, round after round I went, my focused determination would never be broken, even if it was met by a loud laughter and banter from my peers taking place a few feet above me. Nobody could have saved me.
After several longwinded attempts to get me to stop and re-join Laura’s party, a rescue team must have been formed, because all of a sudden as I made my turn around her building again, two people dashed out of the back exit of the building and began to chase after me from behind me. I turned and took a few more strides, checked my footing and turned back to see their progress and the pair had turned into four. They too were now sprinting towards me, screaming with outreached arms for me to stop, but I wasn’t going to have my battle cut short, and activated an another gear and power I unknowingly had within. My legs began to move at speeds I thought was reserved only four legged predators of the jungle.
The once gaining search party was left choking in my dust as I easily escaped their capture. The thought then came to mind that this just might be the valiant effort I could use to win over Laura. She would surely be impressed by my athletic prowess, so instead of maintaining my course, I changed course and headed back towards search party headquarters, and to hopefully change her mind once and for all. The rescue party of four, consisting of fellow soccer teammates, who were typically much faster than me, legged behind as I approached the party goers still perched outside. This time around the crowd was anticipating a hopeful resolution to take place on the unexpected antics that were going amuck. But unlike how I had imagined it in my head just seconds ago, Laura wasn’t anywhere to be seen. Instantly I knew that my final hoorah had come up short.
Having still no real plan of action, I rounded past her building again, but a funny thing started to happen this time. The heroic energy that was blasting through my legs started to shift, as I could feel the energy move north to my eyes. My body seemed to finally clue in to the fact that this fight wouldn’t ever won through my legs, and the victory would be worked our through tears. In a fraction of a second someone opened the once damned up emotion that was trapped in my body and tears started to flood my face uncontrollably. The more I cried the, the less I felt that god-like force powering my legs.
My teammates were nearly behind me now, but I still didn’t want to give in. I new I had to do something, because I was now running on fumes. In a last ditch effort to escape, I leaped over a storm drain, to a small garden filled park in the compound where we lived. I managed to clear the massive three foot deep storm drain, landing on my feet, but only to have my body finally shut down as my legs gave way and I finally tumbled to my knees and then my side. I laid there in the fetal position, weeping profusely as the search party now standing over top of me. Most forgetting their anger and questions of motive, and now were just wanting to know if I was going to be alright. I tried to force a smile, in attempts to hide again from what was really going on inside of me, and they took the bait as they lifted me to my knees and then my feet. They were glad that they were that I had finally surrendered and was now making my way back to the party and maybe even reality.
The excitement of that day came and went as more commotion came and went in our young lives. Doubting that recollection to have ever crossed through the mind of my classmates ever again, but for me, it a memory that stirred up my consciousness on countless occasions since.
This was the first time in my life that I felt the jarring pain of rejection. I had been head over heels in love with this beautiful girl named Laura who just wouldn’t give me the attention I felt I was so well deserving of. It was her birthday party, her ninth celebration of life, if I recall correctly. Her heart wasn’t ever to flutter for me unfortunately, but they sure did for another boy. A fellow classmate, my friend and also now, my enemy – Lachlan. How this American girl name Laura could possibly fall for an Australian when she could haven captured the heart of her friend from the North made little sense to me. It was destiny that we should have been together, I thought at the time. Up to that point in my life I had never known the word rejection, let alone its dark deep scolding power.
Maybe a part of my innocence left me that day. Some may consider it a normal part of growing up, but I have always viewed the experience as an unforgettable trauma that I wish I could re-write. Why this memory hasn’t buried quietly into my psyche like so many other events in my life, I’ll never fully understand. Two and a half decades, and what feels to be a lifetime ago have passed since that day, but the memory of it can bring me back to that moment so sharply that I can almost feel the dirt beneath my toes as ran barefoot, desperately trying to escape my emotions.
I may never be able to fully prove whether or not the inevitable activation of Alcoholism in my life was due to a genetic predisposition, nurturing or a traumatic event – but I certainly can trace a long chain of failed attempts to escape my emotions back to that day.
This expressive treaties between me and the world may not serve you at all, but for me, it is something I hope in sharing helps other people feel more secure in sharing their own story, and hopefully a bit of unapologetic healing together.
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